


The Real Reason

by tanglefire4ever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Hallucinating Sam Winchester, Hallucination Lucifer (Supernatural) | Hallucifer, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Lucifer/Sam Winchester, Past Torture, Post-Cage, Protective Lucifer (Supernatural), Psychological Torture, Sam Winchester in Lucifer's Cage, Samifer - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-15 07:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17524112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanglefire4ever/pseuds/tanglefire4ever
Summary: Season 7x17 The Born Again Identity."All this time, and you still haven't asked me why I'm here. Why I'm doing this to you." Lucifer said.Sam finally asks why Lucifer is tormenting him, and the answer isn't what he expects. Samifer.





	1. Introduction

**"You let me in. You wanted me, partner. And I believe I've got you, bunk buddie."**

**"You don't really want me to leave. You miss me." -Lucifer**

 

****


	2. 1

"Sam was admitted. He was treated for a broken rib and lacerations." The Doctor began.

"Ok. That's not too bad. And?" Dean prompted.

"And...he's on our locked psychiatric floor."

Dean scoffed, trying to shrug it off, "I mean, he's had some trouble..."

"So, you're aware he's having a full-blown psychotic episode?" The Doctor interrupted.

"Psychotic?" Dean raised his eyebrows, "Come on, I mean, the guy's—it's not the like the guy is freaking Norman _Bates_." He protested.

"I'm sure he isn't." the Doctor replied calmly, "We need to determine whether his state was brought on by the insomnia, or whether the insomnia is a symptom of his condition." The Doctor explained.

"Well, the sleep thing is kind of new." Dean replied.

The Doctor sighed and nodded, "Well, we've pumped him as full of sedatives as we safely can and so far he won't go under. I've never seen anything  _like_  it"

       

* * * * * 

Sam heard the buzzer go off in the distance, signifying someone was entering the psychiatric floor. God, a locked floor, complete with a buzzer. Sam was reminded of the scene from "The Silence of the Lambs" when Agent Starling had followed a doctor down to visit Hannibal Lecter and a buzzer had gone off every time she went through a door. And here Sam was, locked up like Hannibal the Cannibal, complete with a buzzer. He really was crazy. Worse yet the sedatives were wearing off. Instead of putting him to sleep the medication had made him numb, and now his headache was returning. 

He felt awful.

"I'm just sayin' –" Lucifer remarked as he pulled a piece of yarn between his fingers. The hallucination had been sitting on the table by the door, and Sam was trying to ignore it, "Back when you had no soul –you never had to sleep."

There was click and the door to Sam's cell—no, his  _room_ , this was hospital –opened up.

"Ah, Mister Helpless!" Lucifer exclaimed as Dean entered the room. "Pull up a six-pack buddy."

"How you feelin'?" Dean asked in that gruff voice that meant he was worried.

Sam chuckled but it came out when even less humor than intended, "Maybe you should cancel my UFC flight."

"Yeah, keep that sense of humor, Sam," Lucifer drawled with a smirk as he pulled at his yarn, "It'll get you through this."

Dean slowly sat on the end of Sam's bed, "Sam, I'm gonna find you help."

Sam scoffed.

"Now...that sounded a little cynical." Lucifer remarked.

"I don't think it's out there, Dean." Sam said.

"We don't know that." Dean argued.

"We know better than most." Sam replied, "It's all snake oil. Last faith healer we hooked up with had a..." he sighed with exhaustion, "reaper on a leash, remember?"

Dean sighed and stood up from the bed, his back facing Sam as he said, "Yeah...Sam, I remember."

"Sometimes I think he does that so you don't see the worry on his face." Lucifer commented.

Sam sighed, "I'm just saying—"

" _What_?" Dean snapped, "That you don't want my help?"

"Touchy." Lucifer remarked and raised his hand to the corner of his mouth, "It's a defense mechanism." He whispered and winked, "Because he doesn't know what to do."

"No, I'm just saying..." Sam sighed again, "Don't do this to yourself."

"Sam, if I don't find something –" Dean began.

"Then I'll die." Sam finished and Dean gaped at him.

Lucifer raised his hands, "Aw, you're  _upsetting_  me."

"Dean, we knew this was coming." Sam explained.

Dean shook his head, "No. No. No. No."

"When you put my soul back—" Sam went on.

Dean waved a finger, "No. No. No."

"Cas warned you about all the crap—"

"Screw Cas!" Dean exclaimed, "Quit being all Dali freakin'  _Yoda_  about this, ok? Get pissed!" Dean slammed his fist into his palm.

Sam sighed deeply, "I'm too tired."

And Sam meant that. He really meant that. 

Sam continued, "This is what happens when you throw a soul in Lucifer's dog bowl. When you think there's just gonna be some cure out there?" 

Dean's eyes met his and Dean gulped and nodded.

"Aw, you guys are having a mo- _ment_." Lucifer remarked in mock sympathy.

Dean nodded, visibly fighting tears, and left, slamming the door behind him.

Sam stared at the wall. He had told Dean what needed to be said. 

He was a lost cause. 

An actual nutcase. 

Later, a nurse came in a did more testing on Sam. Sam didn't listen to what she was saying or pay attention to what levels she was measuring. It wouldn't work, whatever it was. He was lost cause, and frankly, Sam was ready for it all to be  _over_.

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now this one I could have." Lucifer remarked, sitting cross-legged and reading a book in front of him. Funny how the devil's voice always made it through Sam's sleep-deprived haze. Sam didn't even bother to point out the doctors wouldn't leave a book about mental disorders around for patients to use. This was obviously part of the hallucination. Sam sat with his back to Lucifer, trying to block Satan out.

Footsteps approached. The nurse was back. "Time for meds, Sam." she said.

"Sets unrealistic goals. Check." Lucifer mused.

The nurse handed Sam some pills and a glass of water.

" _But_  trouble keeping healthy relationships?" Lucifer said, "Not so sure about that one. Thoughts?"

Sam took the pills and ignored Lucifer. Even though he knew the medication wouldn't help the hallucinations , half of him hoped he would get an overdose that would make this all end sooner.

       

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can already tell, there will be a LOT of content from the episode. However, I am adding my own twists if you look.


	3. Chapter 3

"What's your pain on a scale of one to ten?" The Doctor asked, holding his clipboard.

"Uh...it's not bad. Um," Sam replied and cleared his dry throat, "3."

The Doctor put his hand on his hip, "You don't have to lie, Sam."

"I'm-I'm not." Sam replied, confused.

"You've suffered terrible agony." The Doctor told him, "I mean, your 10 must be astronomical."

"Yeah, I-I guess I have a high threshold." Sam replied.

"Yeah." The Doctor agreed, "But the worst is knowing that there's always a  _new_  10."

"W-what are you talking about?" Sam asked.

"Well, I'm talking about the truly elegant torture I have prepared for you today... _Sam_." The Doctor morphed into Lucifer and Sam staggered back on his hospital bed.

"Just... just stay the hell away from me..." Sam said shakily. He got up and put some distance between them, keeping his back to the hallucination for good measure.

"But it's...it's so nice  _chatting_." Lucifer protested, " _Sam_ , I hate these one-sided conversations."

Sam squeezed his eyes shut and tried to calm his pounding heart. _This isn't real..._

"Come on,  _engage_  buddie." Lucifer whined. Damn. His voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Sam swallowed.  _Just ignore him. Ignore him. It's not real. He isn't real_...

"Psst. Hey Sam." Whispered Lucifer, "You. Me. Locked ward. Is it just me or is this just like the Cage?"

Sam trembled and took a deep breath. Dear God. He'd been thinking that for some time. No. No. No. This was hospital.

"Psychiatric ward, actually." Lucifer remarked, "Thick walls. Locked doors. No one to hear you scream..."

Sam gulped and tried to ignore him.

"Come on, bunk buddy, talk to me..." Lucifer prodded, "This is like the Cage."

"Leave me alone." Sam hissed through his clenched teeth.

"Aw. You don't _really_  mean that, do ya bunk buddy?" Lucifer said.

Sam was shaking. "Yes. I do. Just go away."

"You don't mean that, Sam." Lucifer said, " _Be_  honest. You miss me. That's why you let me in."

Sam clenched his fists and stared at the ground. He did  _not_  let Lucifer in. At least, not on purpose...

"Uh-oh. Avoiding eye contact. Is that a sign of shame, Sam?" Lucifer asked, "Come on, it's just the two of us. You can be honest, I won't judge – that's God's duty."

Sam took a deep breath and focused on his pounding headache.

"Well, if you feel like chatting, hit me up. I'll be here." Lucifer said, then added, " _Always."_

* * * * *

At lunch, Sam took a bite of his roast beef sandwich. At least food still tasted good. Then he looked down and saw maggots. The sandwich hit the floor...

At some point, Sam overheard the nurses discussing alternate ways to give him nutrition because he wasn't eating his food...

"Don't worry, Sam." Lucifer said, "You'll die from insomnia before starvation."

       


	4. Chapter 4

The megaphone had horrible, squeaky feedback, "OH, MY HEAD HURTS!" Lucifer shouted through the megaphone, "Please STOOOP!"

Sam held his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

"OW! God, that's awful!" Lucifer said through the megaphone, "That hurts my head!"

"Hello?" a new voice asked.

Sam looked down and saw a girl with red hair and large blue eyes standing in his room.

"Here." she said, handing him a candy bar. She had a large bandage on her neck.

"Uh..." Sam stared blankly.

"Do you want this or not?" she asked, "I saw you yesterday. You didn't look happy with your in-flight meal."

"Uh...yeah, thanks." Sam took the candy bar from her.

"HI. HI, I'M SAM." Lucifer said into the megaphone and Sam flinched and grimaced with each word.

Marin's eyes widened at Sam's reaction and she hurried away.

"NO, DON'T GO. I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO EXCEPT A HALLUCINATION OF SATAN." Lucifer shouted through the megaphone, speaking Sam's thoughts aloud while Sam grit his teeth and covered his ears.

* * * * *

"Sociopath." Lucifer read, "Now  _this_ sounds like me. Manipulative and charming? Check. Harms others without feeling any guilt or remorse? Check. Destructive towards other people and things? Check. Controlling and threatening behavior? Check. And...what's this? Frequently lies? Now, I think we can draw the line there, hey, Sam?"

Sam was lying curled on his side, facing the opposite wall.

"I mean, I never lie. Not really." Lucifer added, "You can ask me anything and I'll tell you the god-honest truth. Cross my heart, Sam." Lucifer placed his hand against his chest.

Sam ignored him.

"Saaam-my..." Lucifer sang softly, "Taaalk to me..."

Sam stared at the wall.

"Come ooooon. I've got worlds of knowledge. Aren't you even a little curious?"

"You're not real." Sam whispered.

"Disappointing, isn't it?" Lucifer mused.

Sam ignored him.

"I've got an idea." Lucifer said, "Maybe we can spoon."

The nurse leaned in the room, "Lights out, Sam." She said.

There was a click from the light switch and the room went dark. Sam heard her footsteps retreating down the hall.

Sam sighed and flipped onto his back. He rolled his tired head to one side...

And jumped up when he saw Lucifer's smirking face inches from his own.

"What's the matter, Sam? It's a comfy bed." Lucifer remarked, "There's plenty of room."

Sam backed up, panting.

"I mean, aside from the bugs in the mattress." The devil added. Cockroaches crawled out from under the mattress and into the sheets beneath Lucifer.

"Oh, and uh, watch your step."

Sam looked down and staggered back at the sight of venomous snakes sliding over his shoes.

Sam placed his sweaty palms against the wall and shut his eyes, "This isn't real." he panted.

"You know, Sam, I really think this is like the Cage." Lucifer said.

Something squeaked and touched Sam's shoulder. Slowly, Sam opened his eyes and looked behind him. A bloody chain danged from the ceiling and the hook on the end was lightly brushing Sam's shoulder. Sam didn't move. The entire ceiling was dangling with hooked chains that had blood and bits of hair and flesh on them.

The chains swung silently.

Sam couldn't speak.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't move.

The room stank like sulfur and blood.

A black feather twirled to the ground. Sam watched it land on his white hospital shoe. It was singed on the end. Beneath his shoe was a sprawl of black feathers that lead out of the room.

_This isn't real._ Sam thought. He wanted to say it out loud, but his voice wouldn't work.

Everything felt real.

And looked real.

And smelt real.

Sam wanted to vomit. Instead, he reached up and pushed the chains aside, slowly creating a path from him to walk through.

Sometimes the best way to conquer your fears was to face them.

There was a trail of feathers at his feet. All of them where black, and coated with blood. The trail became denser as he walked on, the pool of blood grew darker, spreading wider and wider until—

"Sam?"

Sam started. He was back in the hospital –psychiatric ward—and was looking into the face of a male, African-American nurse in blue scrubs.

"What are you doing outside your room this late, Sam?" the nurse asked.

"Oh, uh—nothing." Sam replied, and cleared his throat, "Coming back from the bathroom."

The nurse raised an eyebrow and Sam knew he didn't believe him.

"How's about you go back to bed?" the nurse suggested.

"Yeah." Sam nodded in agreement.

Sam returned to his room, feeling vaguely confused.

He had hallucinated. And he had walked around the ward during that hallucination.

Maybe it was a good thing this place was locked.

But Sam was curious now. Why had he seen all those feathers? What did they mean? He hadn't seen them in his previous visions.

_Why were they floating in blood?_

The last thought brought a sick, but morbidly curious feeling with it.

"You can always ask, Sam." Lucifer said. He was playing with a piece of yarn again.

Sam shut his eyes.  _No,_  he thought stubbornly.  _This isn't real. I am_ not _going to talk to the devil._

"Hm. Still ignoring me. Maybe I'll sing you a song, Sam." Lucifer mused, "You do _like_  my singing after all."


	5. Chapter 5

"Wake up, little Susie, wake up," the song played on the radio. Sam laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the music and the firecrackers Lucifer was throwing at him.

Hissssssss..... POP! Sam flinched as a firecracker went off next to his bed.

Hisssssssss.... POP! Sam flinched again as the next firecracker exploded. Lucifer chuckled.

"You know you're actually keeping it together better than I thought." Lucifer remarked, "Kinda...the way someone pinned under a  _bus_  keeps it together."

" _None of this is real_." Sam said through gritted teeth.

"—And yet," Lucifer lit the end of another firecracker, "You know what really sucks?"

POW! The firecracker went off and Sam flinched, "It doesn't really matter."

There was click and music went off.

"Because, I won!" Lucifer leaned back and pointed, "Your madness won –I mean look at you. It's hard to believe you're the guy that saved the world once."

The door to Sam's room opened and the nurse from the night before walked inside, carrying a Tupperware tray of food. The nurse smiled kindly at Sam.

"Mmmm. Sammy. What will it be today?" Lucifer smirked and lifted the lid from Sam's tray, "Maggots again or...tapeworm?"

Sam slowly sat up and tried not to think about what the hallucination would show him in his food.

"Thanks." He told the nurse.

"No problem. How you doing?" the nurse asked. He was wearing white today.

"Ah....little better." Sam lied and forced a smile.

The nurse pursed his lips and nodded.

"That girl, Marin," Sam began.

"Look, I'm not supposed to talk about it." The nurse replied, "Let's just say unlike you she didn't get here 'cause of no accident." The nurse left quickly and shut the door behind him.

Lucifer carefully clicked his lighter and lit the fuse of the next fire cracker. Sam turned on his side and flinched as the cracker exploded. Lucifer laughed.

       

Hissssss....POW! Sam flinched.

"Sam-my..." Lucifer sang, "Your food is getting cold."

Sam gulped.

"Don't tell me—you're not hungry." Lucifer said.

Sam's stomach rumbled.

"That sounded hungry." Lucifer remarked.

"None of this is real." Sam muttered. He stood up slowly and Lucifer gestured toward the food tray.

Sam walked stiffly toward the food. He hadn't eaten breakfast either...he couldn't even remember if he had dinner the night before.

He was  _so_  hungry.

"None of this is real." Sam muttered again.

"Bon appetit." Lucifer said. The hallucination watched Sam with an amused expression as Sam lifted the tray from the table and carried it to his bed. Slowly, Sam raised the lid, afraid of what he would see underneath...

Normal. A plate of chicken, corn, cornbread and a plastic container of jello.

Slowly, Sam lifted the cornbread to his lips and took a bite.

Normal. Well, except it was the most delicious cornbread Sam had ever eaten.

" _Mmmm_." Sam moaned and shoved the cornbread into his mouth. He swallowed it quickly and began shoveling corn into his mouth.

"Is it that good, Sam?" Lucifer asked.

Sam continued to moan as he shoved food into his mouth.

Sam pulled up the fork and knife and dug into the chicken.

"Watch those sounds you make, Sam. I have a dirty mind, you know." Lucifer commented.

Sam shoved bites of chicken into his mouth and chewed.

"I mean it about those moans, Sam." Lucifer said.

Sam lifted the glass of water and drank greedily.

Sam didn't care. Everything was  _so_ good. He had finished his meal. Now it was time for the jello. Cherry-flavored by the looks of it. Sam peeled off the plastic lid and lifted and ate a spoonful. Delicious. Sam paused and savored the taste.

Something dripped onto Sam's empty plate. Sam looked down...

And saw blood.

Blood on the plate. Blood in the Tupperware tray. Blood on Sam's spoon. Blood on Sam's lap.

Blood everywhere.

Sam shakily set the spoon on the bloody plate  and put the Tupperware tray to the side. This wasn't real. It was a hallucination. Besides, he had seen blood before. He could handle it...

He could handle it. There was blood on his fingers but he could handle it.

Something twisted in Sam's gut.

This wasn't real. He could handle it.

Nausea spread through his stomach.

He could handle it.

"You alright, Sam? You look green." Lucifer remarked.

He could handle it. Damnit. He was  _not_  about to lose his lunch over a hallucination. He could handle it.

The nausea intensified. Sam doubled over. He glanced at the plate and saw fingers and toes floating in the blood. Oh God. No. He could handle—

Bile piled in his throat.

No. No. No. No.

Sam convulsed and vomit sprayed over Sam's lips. He doubled over and puked again. Oh god...

"Oooo that's gross." Lucifer said.

Sam gagged and puked again. Only the vomit that came out this time was red. Red like blood.

He was puking blood.

Sam retched and more blood spewed out. Something was stuck in his throat. Something fuzzy....but it wasn't coming out.

Sam coughed and retched again. An object was lodged in his throat, forcing him to gag. Using his fingers Sam reached in mouth, then down into his throat. Finally, he caught it. Sam gagged again and pulled the object out.

A feather. It was a black, sticky feather. What the...?

"You ok in here?" the nurse was back. The physician's eyes widened, "Whoa, man. Did you eat too fast?"

"I..." Sam glanced at the vomit in the floor. The blood was gone, but Sam could see chunks of what he had eaten for lunch.

"I'll get somebody to clean this up." The nurse said and hurried out.

Sam looked at down at his fingers, but there was no feather in sight.

Lucifer tsked and Sam looked up at the object of his madness.

Lucifer was lounging on the table, twirling a feather between two fingers.

"Well, I mean. I could've given you a tapeworm." The angel said.


	6. Chapter 6

Would it ever end?

The music grew louder and louder, intensifying Sam's splitting headache.He pressed the pillow further over his ears.

"Wake up oh sleeper. Rise from the dead. Christ. Will. Shine. On. Yooou," the radio sang.

"Come on Sam, dance with me," Lucifer stood up and snapped his fingers to the music, "Wake up oh sleeper. Rise from the deead. Christ. Will. Shine. On. Yooou." Lucifer sang.

_"I know you've been sleeping in your bed of sin,_

_Life's passing by while you've been sleeping in,_

_I know you've been running, running from His grace,_

_Why don't you know that you can't get awaaaay?"_

Lucifer snapped his fingers and moved his shoulders to the music.

"Don't make me do this by myself, Sam!" Lucifer exclaimed.

"This isn't real." Sam groaned into his pillow.

"Ironic, though, isn't it?" Lucifer continued to snap his fingers to the beat.

Sam pushed himself out of bed and ran out of the room.

"Where are you going, Sam?" Lucifer called.

Sam grit his teeth and hurried to the restroom.

Sam pissed into the urinal.

At least he couldn't hear Lucifer in here. The music was fainter and his head hurt less.

Sam hoped the hallucination wouldn't follow him in the bathroom.

Sam turned on the water faucet and began washing his hands. The cool water felt nice. Sam splashed his face with water and looked at his reflection.

A pale, sallow man with sunken cheeks and purple shadows under his eyes looked back at him. He looked horrible.

Sam sighed and shut his eyes. He really  _was_  pathetic.

He couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. And everywhere he went the devil followed.

Sam blinked sighed deeply. He mashed the soap dispenser.

Blood came out.

Sam staggered back.

Blood covered his hands and fingers.

       

Sam frantically put his hands under the water in hopes of washing it off.

The sink poured blood instead. Sam yanked his hands out and staggered backwards. He lost his balance and fell to the floor.

The bathroom walls were splattered with blood. But the splatters were in peculiar shapes. Two shapes to be exact. Two side-by-side smears that stretched across the wall like a...

Like a pair of wings.

Sam blinked hard and wings disappeared.

The water was still running.

Sam warily approached the sink and carefully turned the faucet off.

The blood vanished, a black feather swirled down the drain, and Sam was even more confused than before.

* * * * *

"Have a nice potty break?" Lucifer asked. The radio had been turned off.

Sam carefully sat down on his bed. What did the bloody print of wings mean? Well, other than the fact that Sam was crazy...

"Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You know the answer." Lucifer quoted.

Sam gave him and incredulous look.

"I like Stars Wars." Lucifer said. He lit a firecracker and threw it at Sam.

Hisssss....POP! The firecracker exploded.

Why had there been blood on Sam's hands?

Hisssss....POP!

And a feather in the drain.

Hisssss....POP!

Did it mean anything?

Hisssss....POP!

"You know, the most ironic thing is that you already know the answer." Lucifer remarked.

Sam clenched his hands into fists.  _Yes._  He  _knew_  the answer. He had gone insane from the torture he'd experienced the Cage and now he was paying the consequences. His mind couldn't handle it. Lucifer had tormented him to the point of madness. You didn't recover from something like that.

"You know, I'm getting a little offended at all the finger-pointing you're doing over there." Lucifer remarked as he lit the next firecracker.

Hisssss....POP!

Sam shut his eyes. He was  _so_ exhausted.

So. Incredibly. Exhausted.

Sam laid on his back and gazed at the ceiling.

Hisssss....POP!

There was no escape. He was going to die here.

"Now  _that_  is true." Lucifer said.

 


	7. Chapter 7

"Entertain me, Sam. I'm boooored." Lucifer complained.

_Me too._  Sam thought, staring out the window.

The worst thing about being locked in a mental ward was there was nothing to  _do_. The patients just hung out in their rooms, ate food, took meds, and slept.

Well, they slept unless they were Sam Winchester.

How long had he gone without sleep? It was hard to tell. The days blended together. He felt like he had been in this ward for  _years_.

Sam had nothing to distract him from the loud hallucination of Lucifer, his headache, or the fact that he was days away from dying in here.

He had no way of determining how much longer he had to suffer.

What he wouldn't give for a  _case_  right now. Anything to occupy his mind until he finally bit the big one.

Sam sighed heavily and stared through the blinds. Nothing to look at. Just an empty yard enclosed by the hospital.

"Man, you must be really determined to wait out nap time." a new voice commented.

Sam whipped around and saw Marin standing in his room, wiggling a candybar.

She tossed it on his bed and turned to leave.

"Wait! Uh—" Sam called frantically.

Marin turned around.

"Share this with me." Sam gestured to the candybar and laughed lamely.

"Thanks." Marin said as Sam began trying to undo the wrapper, then added, "Don't know why I'm thanking you for a candybar I  _stole_..."

They both chuckled. Sam gave up on the wrapper and set the bar down.

"So how long you been here?" he asked.

"Five weeks and counting," Marin replied, "Going for the record."

"How come?" Sam asked.

Marin bit her lip and looked away, "Doesn't matter."

"Lot of bandages for 'it doesn't matter.'" Sam replied.

"You want the doctor answer? I'm psychotically depressed with suicidal ideation." she spun on her heel.

_Don't leave Marin!_

"And the not doctor answer?" Sam prodded before she could go.

Marin turned back around and took a shaky breath, "I feel like crap. I just...want it to be over." She said.

       

_God_ , Sam knew that feeling.

"What?" Sam asked.

She gazed at him with pain-filled eyes, "Everything." She answered softly.

_Me too._ Sam thought.

Marin pursed her pink lips and her voice trembled, "Come on. Tell me I have everything to live for."

Sam scoffed, "Why would you believe me?"

She gave him a wry smile, "True."

"I hear you're here because the voices won't let you sleep." Marin said.

"Uh, just one. Really." Sam laughed softly.

"Who is it? Like Charlie Manson or the devil?" Marin asked.

Sam pursed his lips and nodded, "Kinda. Yeah."

She raised her eyebrows and shrugged, "Me too."

Sam looked at her in surprise.

"I...hear a voice." Marin explained.

"Is that why you set the fire?" Sam asked.

Marin's eyes widened and she took a step back, "Who told you that?" she breathed.

"No one. The-the burns—" Sam began.

Marin was backing away with a look of horror on her face. Sam was terrified she would leave, but she began defending herself instead.

Marin raised her hand with emphasis. Her voice rose with each statement, "I _didn't_. Set. The fire. O-ok.  _HE_  did. I don't know why I'm even talking to you." She shook her head and turned away.

"Marin its ok!" Sam exclaimed before she could run again.

"No it's  _not_!" Marin whipped around,  _"You_  are crazier than _I_  am. Charles  _Manson_  tells you what to do at least it's my own brother—" she faltered.

"It's your brother?" Sam's hunter instincts kicked into gear.

"Yes. It  _sucks_ ," Sam saw his own pain reflected on Marin's face, "When it's your  _dead_  brother saying kill yourself to be with him or he'll do it for you."

_Why did that feel a little close to home?_

Sam wanted to ask her more questions but his own feelings were getting tangled up. Besides, it would be rude to ask her to relive her pain –pain Sam emphasized with  _greatly_.

       

When Sam's mind refocused Marin was gone.

That was alright. He would see her again. At least now he had a  _case_.


	8. Chapter 8

"Saaaaam. Pay attention to me..." Lucifer sang.

Sam stared at the wall across from his bed. He with thinking about Marin. Maybe he could help her. Her brother was probably a ghost. A ghost that set house fires. Boy, Sam knew a thing or two about that...

"Come on, Sam. Notice me. I'm lonely. I miss you." Lucifer complained.

_Focus_...Sam thought. Had the ghost attached itself to something? Did Marin bring the ghost  _with_ her? It sounded like she was still hearing his voice...

CRACK! BANG! POW! SIIIIZZZZZZ!POWPOWPOW!

Fireworks flashed and exploded deafeningly around Sam, who curled in a ball and covered his ears.

When the fireworks vanished Sam glared angrily at Lucifer.

"What? I had to get your attention." Lucifer explained. The angel threw his hands out innocently.

"Leave me alone." Sam growled, "Why won't you just  _leave me the hell_   _alone_?"

"But you  _are_  alone, Sam." Lucifer said, "It's just you. In this room. Locked inside a mental ward."

Sam deliberately turned his back on the hallucination.

"Nobody else..." Lucifer sang softly, "Just you..."

* * * *

It was hours before Sam saw finally saw Marin again.

"Marin!" he called.

The girl stopped in front of his door.

"U-Uh..." Sam croaked, "I'm sorry I upset you."

Marin bit her lip and glanced down at her feet, "S'ok."

"Can I asked you something?" Sam asked.

Marin gazed up suspiciously, "About?"

"The fire."

Marin grit her teeth and shook her head, "Look. You mean well, but you have no idea—"

"You said you didn't start it. I believe you." Sam said, "I can help you, Marin. Before he tries to hurt you again."

Sam lead her inside his room. She followed, hopeful but wary.

Lucifer was watched them with a bemused expression. Amazingly, the hallucination remained quiet.

       

"You're worse." Marin said, "You're organs need sleep you know. Your hair and nails are gonna fall out. And your kidneys are gonna shut down. I saw it in a movie."

Sam stared at her and she added, "Sorry."

In the corner Sam heard Lucifer give a high, wheezy laugh.

"So," Sam said with a wince, "Your brother. W-when did he pass?" it was hard to concentrate for long periods of time.

"Um. Last year." Marin scratched the back of her neck.

"You see him?" Sam asked.

Marin shook her head.

"So.." Sam grimaced against his headache as he stood up to pace, "He just talks to you...but at first it wasn't so bad you must have missed him. Did you just hear him at the house?"

"Here too." Marin replied, "Whenever I'm alone. I can always tell he's coming 'cause I get these chills." she rubbed her arm.

"You feel cold." Sam observed.

_A Ghost. Definitely_. Sam thought.

"Yeah." Marin said, "I mean..." she took a shaky breath, "You're right. At first it's like—I knew I was crazy, but... I didn't really  _care_. I did miss him."

       

Sam nodded.

"But then...he started saying he was lonely. And he started to get mad." Marin grit her teeth and her voice shook, "And one day he started yelling and—I-I tried to run but the door was locked and when I turned around the w-whole _room_  was on fire. A-and I barely got out....how can you help me?"

Sam blinked against the exhaustion, " I can put your brother to rest. He's um," Sam winced against his headache, "He's stuck here."

"For real? Like—?"

"Like a ghost." Sam said.

Marin lifted her chin,"Why should I trust you?"

"Because it's your only shot." Sam replied.

Marin studied Sam with large blue eyes. Finally, she nodded, "Ok."

"Ok." Sam agreed, "So, your brother, was he cremated, buried?"

"We cremated him." Marin replied.

"Do you have anything of his?" Sam asked.

Marin fiddled with something on her wrist. A cord bracelet.

"This bracelet. He made it for me. And with a busted hand too. Sliced his hand during stupid archery..."

"He bled on it?" Sam asked.

"Probably." Marin replied.

"Good. That's-that's good." Sam said as the pieces of her case fell into place.

" _Why_  is that good?" Marin demanded.

"I just have one more question. Is there—any chance in hell you got a lighter?" Sam asked.

Marin stared at him, "Why do we need a lighter?" she asked.

"We-we have to burn the bracelet. Ghost will sometimes attach themselves to something, often something they've bled on. And if you've had that bracelet on this whole time that might explain why your brother is still haunting you." Sam explained.

Marin shook her head, "This is crazy."

"Do you have another explanation?" Sam asked.

Marin shook her head, "I don't have a lighter."

Sam sighed heavily.

"But, I think I know who  _does_." Marin said suddenly. "The nurse. The—he's new. Arrived around the same time you did. He's got dark hair, brown eyes, tan skin. He brings me my food. I know he smokes because he was asking one of the doctors if he could have a cigarette brake."

"He might have a lighter." Sam realized.

"We'd have to pick-pocket him." Marin said, "I doubt he'd just give it to us."

"Definitely not." Sam agreed, "I'll see what I can do when he brings me dinner." 

       


	9. Chapter 9

"Survivor's guilt. Now  _this_  is an interesting one." Lucifer continued. He was reading the psychology book again, "Apparently you humans feel bad when you survive a trauma and other people don't. Verrrry interesting."

Sam ignored Lucifer. He was busy trying to come up with a way to pickpocket the nurse. It wouldn't be easy. Schemes like this were usually done with his brother Dean's help.

Why hadn't he asked Marin to assist him?

He should go find her. They could work together. Maybe Sam could distract the nurse while Marin reached into his pocket (she did have smaller hands) and took out his lighter.

If only Sam knew which pocket the nurse kept his cigarette lighter in...

"Oh. Look. Apparently you people suffer five stages of grief. Denial. Bargaining. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. Can be experienced in an order. Hmm." Lucifer remarked, "I think  _denial_  sounds a bit like you..."

Oh well. They would have to try each pocket and see which one held the cigarette lighter.

Provided the nurse kept the lighter  _on_  him...

Sam swallowed. They would work on that when the time came. If this plan didn't work they would just try another one. There were other ways to set fires.

At least the salt would be easy to find. Sam's meals always came with salt and pepper shakers. No worries there.

In the meantime, Sam needed to find Marin. He didn't know why he hadn't asked her to assist him in the first place.

Sam peered out of his room. No one in sight. He didn't think there was a penalty for visiting other patients, but he couldn't be sure. Marin seemed to do it a lot.

He crept down the hall. What room was she in? She couldn't be far, not if she chose to visit Sam so often.

Sam glanced at the rooms he passed. Most of them were empty. No Marin so far...

A chain wrapped itself around Sam's throat.

Sam choked and struggled against the icy metal. His vison spun. There was a loud ringing in his ears.

The chain jerked Sam up so he was dangling from the ceiling. The hall had grown dark. Everything was lit in a red glow.

Sam gagged and struggled in a blind panic. In the corner of his blurry vision, Sam could see a black shape dangling beside him, hanging from another chain...

"Sam? Sam?"

Sam gasped. The vison disappeared. He had fallen to the floor. The Doctor was shining a light into his eyes. Beside the Doctor, and black-haired female nursed looked on in worry.

"Sam?" the Doctor asked.

Sam stared the Doctor in his pale blue eyes. Eyes the color of Lucifer's...

"Sam, can you hear me?" the Doctor asked.

"Yeah." Sam nodded.

"You had a seizure." The nurse explained.

"Has anything like that ever happened to you before?" the Doctor asked.

Sam shook his head.

The Doctor clicked off his light and looked at the nurse, "I think we better keep a closer eye on him."

"Uh, no. Really. I'm fine." Sam said.

"Check his blood pressure." The Doctor instructed and the nurse nodded.

"I'm fine. Really." Sam insisted.

"Check his sugar levels too. I've heard he's not eating well." The Doctor said.

They helped Sam to his feet and guided him back to room.

_Always back in this stinking cell._

"Let me know what his levels are." The Doctor said, as they sat Sam on his bed, "Oh, and –you don't speak any second languages, do you, Sam?"

"I...speak some Latin. Why?" Sam asked.

"You were muttering during your seizure. I was just curious, 'cause whatever language it was, it wasn't English." The Doctor said.

Sam scoffed, "Probably gibberish."

"Maybe." The Doctor said, then addressed the nurse, "Now, I want you to report right back to me." he told her and left the room.

The nurse began the usual routine of checking Sam's blood pressure.

Sam focused on the wrap squeezing his arm. High. Of course it was high. He was stressed  _out._

Sam had hoped he wouldn't have any more flashbacks to the Cage. He was wrong.

"It says here you have no history of epilepsy." The nurse said, looking at a clipboard, "Hopefully, this will be a one-time thing." She offered an encouraging smile, which Sam returned but felt more like he was grimacing, "Hopefully." he said.

The nurse finished her tests and left to report to the Doctor.

Lucifer was still sitting on the table by the door.

Sam grimaced and put his head in his hands.

"Pssst. Sam. Did you like your field trip?" Lucifer whispered.

"Leave me alone." Sam mumbled into his palms.

"But I  _like_  talking to you." Lucifer protested.

"Just leave me alone..." Sam breathed.

"But we're  _buddies_ , Sam. Come on, we belong together. Talk to me." Lucifer said.

"No, we  _don't_." Sam whispered, "You're not real."

"What? Because you think belonging with me makes you a monster? Nah, Sam. You've got it wrong. That's not why you're a monster." Lucifer said.

_Knock. Knock._

Sam looked up and saw the male nurse –the  _same_  male nurse Marin had told him about, holding a tray of food and knocking on his doorframe.

"Dinnertime." The nurse said.

"I wonder if he has his lighter on him." Lucifer said.

The nurse set the Tupperware down and peeled the plastic top off.

"Hey. Um...." Sam began. He hadn't thought this out very well.

The nurse raised his eyebrows, "Everything ok?"

"Uh...no, actually." Sam replied.

"What's wrong?" the nurse asked. The guy was kinda young, probably no older than Sam himself.

Sam laughed softly, "I...I feel like crap."

"Is this a...new kind of crap or the same kind of crap?" the nurse asked.

"More or less." Sam answered.

The nurse pursed his lips and nodded in understanding.

"I just...want it all to be over, y'know?" Sam said. He took a few steps toward the nurse and his tray of food.

The nurse frowned at that. Too late Sam thought he probably shouldn't have said that. They might put him on suicide watch and then he couldn't help Marin.

"I...I just..." Sam tiredly tugged at the food tray, "I just –" Sam toppled the tray into the floor, "Oh, shit! I'm sorry."

"No, don't worry about it." The nurse said, bending over to retrieve the messy plate and silverware.

"I'll –let me help." Sam knelt down and slipped a hand into the nurse's left pocket. Nothing.

"I got this man, it's ok." The nurse said.

"I'm –I'm really sorry." Sam slipped his hand into the nurses right pocket and felt a lighter, along with some keys. He slid it out carefully.

"It's alright." The nurse said, "I'll get you another plate. Don't worry about it."

The nurse gathered up the plate and tray and hurried out to bring more food.

"Good job, Sam." Lucifer flicked on a lighter of his own and waved the flame, "That guy is so oblivious. Let's hope he doesn't take another smoke brake before you finish your plan."

Sam slid the lighter into his shoe. No one would look for it there. Even when the nurse noticed it missing.

When the nurse arrived with another plate of food, Sam stole the salt shaker as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen? Explanations to come!


	10. Chapter 10

It was dark outside. The blinds over Sam's window were still open, revealing the night. The hallway outside Sam's room was empty and the lights were dimmed. Sam's room was dark. It was oddly quiet.

"Psst. Sammy." Lucifer whispered.

Sam ignored him, staring at the ceiling.

"Saaaaamy." Lucifer sang a little louder.

Sam put his arms behind his head. He knew he wouldn't get any sleep tonight. He never slept. Not anymore. Sam released an exhausted sigh.

"Sammy!" Lucifer hissed.

Vaguely, Sam wondered what horrible torture Lucifer had in store for him tonight. The angel had a way of being especially awful when night fell.

If only Marin would come to visit....

Sam flexed his foot inside his shoe. The lighter was still there. When Marin came back, they would make a salt circle and burn her bracelet.

"Wanna spoon, Sam?" Lucifer whispered, "It'll be just like the good ol' days, right bunk buddie?"

Sam licked his dry lips and ignored the hallucination. It wasn't real. It couldn't hurt him.

Well, aside from the fact it was literally killing him.

Sam swallowed. The truth was, he needed to pee right now, but he was putting it off. For some reason, it seemed like every time Sam decided to leave his room he saw something horrible.

When Sam could put off his trip to the toilet no longer he sat up. Grimacing through his sleep-deprived headache, Sam warily made his way to the restroom.

Sam walked into the bathroom slowly.

_I'm in a mental ward. I'm dying. But it's ok. I'm going to help a girl named Marin, and then this will all be over._ Sam reminded himself.  _If I see something, it's not real..._

Sam's use of the toilet was uneventful. Then he approached the sink. The same sink where he had seen blood.

_There wasn't any blood._  Sam told himself.  _It was all in your head._

Nonetheless, Sam's hands trembled as he turned the squeaky faucet.

Clear water poured out.

Sam washed his hands. He used the soap dispenser. All normal.

Maybe nothing would happen this time...

Sam could see his dark reflection in the mirror. The bathroom was lit with moonlight that poured from a window. Sam probably should have turned on the lights when he went in here. Oh well. He could see well enough.

See a black figure with red eyes reflected behind him.

Sam gulped. He stared at the reflective glass and didn't look behind him.

Sam's heart started to pound. His hands shook as he turned the faucet off.

The black figure stared at him from the shadows. Sam still didn't look behind him.

He turned  _away_  from the shadow. He started toward the door. The moonlight cast a long white rectangle of light on the floor. Sam watched his own shadow slide over the bathroom door.

Sam froze.

Shadows of two giant black wings extended from his back.

_"Yours as much as mine, Sam." A voice in his head said, "I'm your other half."_

Sam turned back to the mirror. He could see his reflection. Dark, feathery wings unfolded from his back and spread until they filled the entire room.

Sam glanced at his own shoulder but saw nothing. The wings were only reflected in the glass.

Sam looked back in the mirror.

His own eyes were glowing red.

_No!_

Sam covered his face with his hands.  _No, no, no, no!_

Sam staggered back until he ran into a bathroom stall.

_No! No! No!_

Trembling, Sam uncovered his eyes. He had to get out of here. He had to get away from that awful reflection with red eyes.

Sam turned to go, to run—only his path was blocked by the dark, shadowy figure with glowing eyes he had seen earlier.

It was Lucifer. He knew it.

_"We are one, now, Sam. Isn't it wonderful? We are two halves made whole. M.F.E.O. Literally."_

The black shadow laid a hand on Sam's face. It was cold.

_"Sorry if it's a bit chilly. Some people think I burn hot, but it's really quite the opposite..."_ the angel's words echoed in Sam's mind.

Sam shook violently.

The angel tilted his head. He placed another cool hand on Sam's face...

Then his mouth opened and he started screaming.

Something black and serrated shot out of the angel's chest and into Sam heart.

Sam screamed. His ass hit the cold, hard floor and the lights came on.

"You alright, man?"

The nurse, the same African-American nurse Sam had stolen the lighter from was in the bathroom and running to his aid.

The guy really needed a name. Sam glanced at his I.D:  **Marcus.**

"You ok, Sam?" Marcus asked. He helped Sam to his feet, "You know, it really helps if you turn a light on."

Sam suddenly realized he was trembling, "Yeah. I'm fine."

"No offence, but you don't look fine." Marcus said, "What happened?"

"I...I..." Sam stuttered, " I fell."

"That's an awful lot of screamin' for a fall." the nurse raised his eyebrows skeptically, "You hurt?"

Sam shook his head.

"Let's get you back to your room." Marcus suggested.

Lucifer was sitting on the table and laughing as Marcus helped Sam back to his bed.

"Maybe I should get the Doctor." Marcus said.

"No, I'm ok." Sam answered.

"You sure?"

Sam realized he was covered in sweat. His white hospital shirt was drenched.

"Really, I-I'm fine." Sam said.

Lucifer laughed harder.

"You should really try to get some sleep." Marcus said.

Lucifer cupped his hands around his mouth, "HE WOULD IF HE COULD. BUT A HALLUCINATION OF LUCIFER KEEPS HIM AWAKE."

"I-I know. I'll lay down." Sam said.

"Something you wanna talk about?" Marcus asked.

"YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND." Lucifer shouted.

"No. I'm ok." Sam said and gave what he knew was and unconvincing smile.

The nurse pursed his lips and nodded.

"I'M REALLY NOT OK!" Lucifer yelled as Marcus left the room.

Sam curled on his side with his back to Lucifer. Then, he realized his face was wet. Tears. He'd been crying.

Crying like a total wimp in front of that nurse. He really was pathetic. But he didn't care. He just wanted it to be  _over_.

Sam clenched the sheets in his hand and let the tears fall. Tears of frustration and a deep sadness he didn't understand.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Sam opened his mouth and the Doctor shown a light inside of it. The Doc studied his throat a moment before clicking the light off. Sam swallowed tiredly.

"How are you, Sam?" the Doctor asked.

"I'm fine." Sam said.

"They tell me you're getting worse." The Doctor said, tilting his head, "Are you hallucinating?"

"I-I..." Sam stuttered, unsure how to reply. He'd been hallucinating for a  _long_ time.

"More than a voice? Are you  _seeing_ things, Sam?" the Doctor asked.

"I..." Sam scratched the back of his neck, shook his head and scoffed, "Look... I know it's not real."

"Are you sure?" the Doctor asked.

Sam frowned, "Of course, I'm sure."

"I mean...how can you tell the difference?" The Doctor's face morphed into Lucifer's smirking one. Sam's eyes widened and he backed away.

"Just leave me alone." Sam breathed. He turned his back to the hallucination and walked around to the other side of his bed.

"Aw,  _Sam_  we've been through this." Lucifer whined, "I'm not going away. Not ever. I'm part of you, Sam."

Sam grimaced and shut his eyes, "No. You're  _not_." He said.

"M.F.E.O. Sam. Remember? I'm your other half." Lucifer said.

Sam clenched his fists didn't answer.  _Just ignore him...he's not real. He isn't really here._

Although it was getting really hard to decipher between Lucifer and reality when the hallucination kept appearing as  _other_ people.

"I'm a piece of you. You're not getting rid of me." Lucifer added, "I've been inside your noggin' for months now."

Sam laid on his side, keeping his back deliberately to Lucifer.

"Besides, I like it here." Lucifer remarked, "And you don't want me to go. Not really."

Sam heard a hiss and he knew Lucifer was lighting a firecracker.

"Allllll this time. And you still haven't asked me why I'm here. Why I'm doing this..." Lucifer mused. He threw the firecracker at Sam and Sam flinched when it exploded.

"Stiiiiill ignoring me. Aw, come on, Sam. I know this silent treatment is just a cry for attention. I get tired of these one-sided conversations."

"You're not real." Sam said aloud.

"But you wish I was."

"No. I  _don't_." Sam growled. As much as he wanted to pretend the hallucination wasn't there, it was seriously getting on his  _nerves_.

"You don't really want me to leave. It would make what you did that much worse." Lucifer replied.

"What _I_  did?" Sam finally looked over his shoulder.

Lucifer nodded. "Yes. What  _you_  did, Sammy."

"You mean save the world and lock you up?" Sam snapped.

"No. And yes. I mean, you did  _do_  that, but that wasn't the worst crime you committed." Lucifer replied. He picked at his fingernails.

Sam turned over and grit his teeth.  _Just ignore him..._ Sam thought,  _he isn't real. Ignore him...it's all in your head..._

"You left me. All. Alone. You didn't even say goodbye. You were just –" Lucifer snapped his fingers, "Gone." Lucifer was suddenly on his bed. He leaned uncomfortably close to Sam's face and Sam couldn't help but look into the cold blue eyes. He felt a chill go down his spine at the hatred he saw there, "You abandoned me. After all I did. After everything I did to protect you. You just.  _Left."_

"Protect me?" Sam croaked. Lucifer laughed cruelly and pushed himself off the bed.

"Yeah, but that's  _really_  hard to swallow, isn't it? That maybe I wasn't the bad guy. That I wanted to you to actually be happy. That's too much for a Winchester to handle. No, everything's gotta be black and white." Lucifer scoffed and motioned to himself, "I mean, I'm Lucifer, right? There's no  _way_  I'm not the ultimate evil. It'd be so much  _easier_  to cope if the creature you left in Hell deserved to _be_  there, right?" Lucifer leered, "You really think I'm the reason you're going crazy? No, Sam. This is all you. You don't want me to leave, because you know deep down you deserve what I'm doing to you."

"Stop it." Sam said.

"I tried to protect you. Granted, I wasn't always successful. The Cage pulled you away and tortured us  _both._  You know it. I know it. But you made the pain a little more bearable, and sometimes I was able to shield you from it. I shouldn't have. You were just going to leave me. But I didn't know that. All I knew was that my other half was suffering and sometimes I could stop it. Or at least, use the last of my strength to heal you..." Lucifer trailed off.

"You're lying." Sam said.

"I did all I could. I tried my absolute hardest. Because you were the only thing that kept me going. Remember when I told you that? How you were my only hope?" Lucifer asked.

Sam stared intensely forward, trying to block out the hallucination, "Bullshit..." he whispered.

"Remember when I would sing to you? You don't want to—it was what I did to comfort you when I couldn't reach you any other way. But I did try. Which was more than you ever did for  _me._  Remember how I  _cried_ for you? How I apologized and tried to comfort you? How  _distraught_ I was that my Hell was ripping you apart? I'm a lot more protective than people give me credit for." The angel scoffed, "As if I had anything to be sorry for. You're the one that pulled us down there."

"I would try to teach you Enochian to distract you." Lucifer went on, "I made you repeat the words so you had something to focus on besides the pain. I told you the lessons distracted me as well, made my existence in the Cage more bearable..."

_Lies._  Sam thought, although something in his gut was twisting uncomfortably.

Lucifer scoffed, "To think I fell in love with someone as selfish as you are." Lucifer tsked, "But there's a way you can fix it, Sam. There's a way I won't be alone anymore." Lucifer appeared in Sam's view again. He extended a thumb and forefinger and placed the finger-gun underneath his chin, "We can be together again."

Sam's gasped in horror.

"Come on, Sam. Do you really think the white and pearlies are gonna open for you? Nah, you're going somewhere a lot... warmer." Lucifer explained.

_I couldn't_....Sam thought, panting.  _Besides, there aren't any guns around here..._

"Ever heard of a bedsheet noose?" Lucifer murmured next to Sam's ear.

Sam shuddered and Lucifer chuckled.

_The devil was telling him to kill himself._

So he would go to  _Hell_.

And why? Because....because Sam felt  _guilty_? There was  _no way_ that could be true. Lucifer tortured him in Hell. All his hallucinations pointed to that.

"Do they Sam? Did you ever specifically see  _me_ , stringing you up on hooks and chains?" Lucifer asked.

"I heard you laugh." Sam protested.

"You sure it was me?" Lucifer asked.

Sam shut his mouth. Lucifer laughed cruelly, "Come on, Sam. Ask me something else. Justify your skewed view of me. Act like you didn't see me hanging next to you in the Cage."

Sam recalled the hallucination he'd had where he dangled from a chain. The dark figure next to him. It couldn't be. It  _wasn't—_

And the bloody wings in the bathroom. The seared, dark feathers...

Feathers the Cage had ripped out of Lucifer. Feathers that had shielded Sam from harm...

Followed by the serrated, iron stake that shot through Lucifer's chest and into Sam's...

Because Lucifer had been blocking it.

No. No. No. This didn't make any sense. There was no  _way_ —

"'Search your feelings.'" Lucifer said with a wink, "You  _know_  it to be true. And you deserve it. Everything I've done to you. You deserve it completely."

 

 

 

**AN: I know it's brutal, but that's how the story goes.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm not sure if I did enough build-up for this chapter. In short Sam feels...responsible for what happened to Lucifer, hence the black feathers and blood he has seen on his hands.


	12. Chapter 12

It wasn't true.

Sam was a whirlwind of emotion he couldn't explain.

_It wasn't true._

Lucifer didn't care for him. Lucifer hated humanity.

So why did everything the hallucination was saying feel so...familiar?

_No._  Sam thought _. It can't be._

Lucifer didn't sing to Sam over burning flames. He didn't scream with Sam as hooks and nails shredded them  _both_. He didn't distract Sam from the pain by teaching him words in the language of the angels.

The devil didn't do that.

He also didn't wrap Sam in large black wings to shield him from the fire. He didn't murmur softly into Sam's ear that everything was going to be ok. He didn't shiver in pain as hell lashed into him in attempt to reach through him and destroy his other half.

Satan wasn't capable of that.

He also wasn't capable of cool kisses that relieved the burns inflicted by hellfire. He wasn't capable of apologizing for the  _time_  it took him to finally reach Sam. He wasn't capable of wrapping Sam in soothingly cold grace that took the pain the away...

Lucifer would  _not_  do that.

He also wouldn't tell Sam stories about the creation of the universe. He wouldn't talk about the peaceful time before his fall. He wouldn't talk about aliens or other creatures prior to humans because Sam was curious...

He  _wouldn't_.

Lucifer didn't love. He couldn't. He was a monster.

"You're my bitch, Sam." Lucifer said, "You're my bitch because you can't live without me."

"Shut up!" Sam shouted, "Just shut the hell up!"

"—In every sense of the word." Lucifer continued.

"Shut  _up!_ " Sam shouted.

"But doesn't it feel... _nice_  to finally put words to what you're feeling?" Lucifer asked.

Sam realized he was on his feet and shaking, "You're lying." he said.

Lucifer strode toward Sam slowly, "I never lie, Sam. That's one thing you humans definitely got wrong about me. I never. Ever. Lie."

In the back of his mind, Sam heard the words echoed by another voice, only this one was deeper, and accompanied by a dark figure with giant wings, red eyes, and cold hands that gently rubbed circles against Sam's back...

"Leave me alone." Sam said in a shaky voice.

"Face it, Sam. You miss me." Lucifer went on, "You miss me so badly you can't stand it."

"No, I  _don't_!" Sam exclaimed.

"You know I have no idea what happened to you? I'm just wading through lakes of hellfire, trying desperately to find you..." Lucifer went on.

A tear fell from Sam's eye, "Bullshit." He said.

"Truth is, I miss you too, Sam. I want us to be together. Forever. Like we were supposed to be." Lucifer said.

"No." Sam said.

"You know what to do, Sam." Lucifer said.

"No." Sam turned away, panting, "That's not even logical. Even if I – _do_  go to Hell. The Cage is all locked up. We wouldn't even be close to each to other."

"You figured out how to release me last time. Come on, Sam, you're my true Vessel." Lucifer said, "You'll find a way..."

"No." Sam breathed, "There's no  _way_..."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Lucifer conceded, "You'll never see me again. And that's the worst part, isn't it?"

"Is this a bad time?" A new voice asked.

Sam turned around, "Marin!" he exclaimed.

_Thank God_. This was just what he needed. A distraction.

The redheaded girl stared up at him with wary blue eyes. Sam realized she'd probably heard him 'talking to himself'.

"Uh, no, not at all." Sam replied awkwardly.

Marin raised her eyebrows and inclined her head.

"Uh," Sam blinked and rubbed his face, "I have something for you, actually." Sam reached into his sock and pulled out the lighter he'd stolen from Marcus, "You still have the bracelet?"

Marin hurriedly pointed to the cord bracelet wrapped around her wrist.

Behind her, Lucifer sat at his usual place on top the table and watched them. He was mercifully quiet.

"Great." Sam said and hurriedly shut the door. It was time to concentrate. He pulled the chair out from under the table where Lucifer was sitting and put it underneath the door handle so no one could get in.

"We're gonna make a salt circle." Sam said.

He reached under his bed and pulled out the white shaker. Beside him, Marin pulled another salt shaker out of her pocket and together they made a white circle large enough for both of them to stand inside.

A gust of air blew the salt out of place and Sam looked up in alarm to see Lucifer blowing on their circle.

"What?" Marin asked in worry.

"You're gonna have to do this on your own." Sam said.

He couldn't focus. Not like this. Not with Lucifer.

Marin's pink mouth came open and Sam said, "It's ok. I'm ok. I'm just having a little..." he waved his bandaged hand.

"—brown acid moment?" Lucifer suggested.

"Dizzy thing." Sam said, "It'll pass."

"Definitely. When your heart stops." Lucifer said. The angel's eyes were unrelenting and malicious. Did those icy pools never end..?

"Stay with me in the circle." Sam heard himself saying. He and Marin were standing inside the salt outline now, "No matter what happens. Stay inside the circle no matter what." He told her seriously.

"What's gonna happen?" Marin asked. She was a smart one. Sam liked how easily she caught on.

"Give me the bracelet." Sam said.

The lights started flickering and the air was suddenly icy cold.

Cold like Lucifer...

_No. Icy like a ghost. Focus Sam_. Sam told himself.

Sam and Marin looked toward the door when the lights flicked again. They could hear the electricity crackling. Their breaths came out in a fog.

The lights flickered again and an apparition appeared in front of them. A ghost. Marin's brother.

       

"Marin. Don't do this.  _Please_." The ghost said. He had copper-colored hair and shadows underneath his eyes. He was wearing a dirty brown jacket over a moss green t-shirt that was the same color as the one Lucifer wore.

"Marin, give me the bracelet." Sam said, afraid she would change her mind and let the ghost talk her out of it.

"I'm so sorry I  _have_  to." Marin told her brother, her voice breaking.

Marin yanked the bracelet off her wrist.

The chair under the door rattled, then was flung across the room and into the opposing wall.

POW! POW! One by one the florescent lights above them shattered.

Marin and Sam ducked and covered their heads.

The room was dark now, save for the flickering lights in the hallway and moonlight shining through the blinds.

Marin's brother was  _very_ angry. His blue eyes were icy cold and he was glowering at them. Glowering like Lucifer...

"Marin. No. I want you to come with me." The ghost said.

Marin handed the bracelet to Sam.

"Marin, I thought you loved me." The ghost protested.

Sam set the bracelet on fire.

"NOOOOO!" The ghost shouted. He erupted into flames that quickly burned through his apparition.

Marin's brother screamed and then he was gone.

Sam panted and looked at Marin.

"Y-you gotta go. Go." Sam told her.

Marin quickly ran out of the salt circle. She turned around, "Thank you." She said and her white-clad figure hurried out the door.

Marcus ran into Sam room, followed by another Doctor in glasses.

Sam knew something like this would happen.

They grabbed Sam's arms and pinned them behind his back. Then Sam's whole world faded to white.

* * * * *

 

       

"Sam?" the voice sounded muffled, like Sam's ears were stuffed with cotton.

"Sam are you with me?" a bright light was being shone into Sam's eyes.

A fuzzy silhouette appeared in his vision. The blurry image gradually came into the focus.

"Sam? How you feeling now?" The blue-eyed, balding Doctor asked. Lucifer was perched behind him.

"His soul is broken doc, can you give him a pill?" Lucifer asked.

"I can't give you anymore medication." The Doctor was saying, "The potential for overdose is too great."

Sam sighed and flexed. His wrist and ankles were tied to the bed with leather straps.

He flexed his hands and realized his nails were broken and bloody.

"We need to talk about surgical solutions." The Doctor was saying.

"Surgical?" Sam blinked.

"Oooo. Lobotomy?" Lucifer looked interested.

"It's ok, we're not talking lobotomy here." The Doctor said in response to Sam's worried look.

"Darn." Lucifer said.

Sam groaned and lay on his pillow. His vision spun.

"Sam? Are you with me?" the Doctor's voice grew distant again, "Sam?"

Sam's world faded back to white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to upload the whole thing ASAP. I've got it all written down already.  
> Plot twist in the next chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sam learns a few things about Marin.

When Sam regained consciousness, he was alone.

Well, alone except for Lucifer. Typical.

"Darn." Lucifer said, "I was really hoping for a lobotomy."

Sam groaned and let his head drop against the pillow.

"They're kinda out of options here, Sam." Lucifer was saying, "They've tried meds, more meds, and you basically got worse. Oh. And don't think going unconscious counts as sleep, 'cause it doesn't."

"Hey, Sam? Are you with us?" Marcus asked from the doorway.

Sam lifted his head, "I'm here."

Marcus sighed with relief, "Good. You were having a seizure. Really had us worried."

"Told ya you weren't unconscious," Lucifer remarked.

"So. you speak Latin, yeah?" Marcus asked.

"A little." Sam replied.

"Well, you were talking a whole lot during your episode so...thought I'd ask. But man," Marcus scoffed and shook his head, "Wasn't any Latin I'd ever heard before, and I went to Catholic School."

Sam snorted, "Probably Gibberish."

Lucifer cupped his mouth, "Or Enochian." He whispered.

"So..." Sam blinked and tried to focus, "The Doctor said we needed to talk about surgical solutions?"

Marcus winced, "We were hoping it wouldn't come to that. There may be another option."

"What?" Sam asked.

"I'd need to get it approved first." Marcus said, "But I'll get back to you."

Marcus walked out of the room.

"Mm. I'd say you're at the end of your rope here, Sam. Won't be long, now." Lucifer remarked.

Sam sighed and let his head drop against the pillow, "Well, at least I helped Marin," he whispered to himself _._

"Eh..." Lucifer clicked his tongue in a way that made Sam paused and look at him.

Lucifer was cupping his chin and biting his knuckle. He gave Sam a sly look.

Sam replied with a look that clearly demanded  _'what'_? Something Dean may have termed a 'bitch face.'

"Yeah, about Marin..." Lucifer's voice trailed off.

"Did something happen to her?" Sam asked in alarm.

Lucifer clicked his tongue, "Her story really hits really close to home, doesn't it?"

Sam rolled his eyes.  _Good grief._ This was some other form of torment Lucifer was using to get on Sam's nerves. He was probably about to spout some more lies about the Cage. Or make Sam believe Marin was in trouble when she really wasn't. Marin was safe. Sam had put her brother to rest. He remembered that.

"Well...think about it Sammy," Lucifer began conversationally, "Dead brother. Only hearing the voice of the person she wishes she could  _be_  with. Being separated by fire. Missing the person she's separated from so badly she didn't mind hearing his voice at first even though he was trying to kill her..." Lucifer trailed off, "Sounds familiar doesn't it, Sam?"

Sam's heart started to pound. He suddenly had a really bad feeling about this...

Lucifer raised his hands, "Parallels, Sam. All parallels." He said. Then  added, "I mean...did you ever eat any of the candy bars she stole for you?"

Sam remembered dropping the candy bar Marin had given him...and...and...?

Lucifer's face morphed into Marin's and Sam sucked in a breath, "Five foot two, big blue eyes, long red hair, kinda young." Marin smiled sweetly and cocked her head, "The perfect damsel in distress for you to save." Her face turned back into Lucifer's, "What can I say, Sam? It gets boring in here with just the two of us. What's that saying you humans have? "The idle mind is the devil's playground" or something like that?" Lucifer laughed at the look on Sam's face, "Aw, come on, buddie, I had to spice up your stay. And what better way than adding a case for you to solve? Boy, you fell for it hard. Set the hospital room on fire and everything. Personally, I think I deserve extra credit for creativity."

"Dear God, no,""Sam breathed, horrified.

"Yep." Lucifer clicked his tongue, "You've seen plenty of ghosts in your day. It wasn't hard to make up one. And you know what they do, so, it wasn't hard to smash the lights. Could've gone without setting the bed on fire, though."

"I didn't!" Sam gasped, mortified.

"The doctors have you tied down for a reason, Sam." Lucifer said.

The room began to spin. Sam's breath came in short, frantic gasps. In the back of his mind he knew he was hyperventilating. There was a sharp ringing in his ears and his view whited out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually surprised when the show didn't make Marin one of Sam's hallucinations. We already know Halucifer can appear as different characters, plus the parallels between Sam and Marin's stories, combined with the seriously amused look Lucifer was giving Sam while Marin explained why she was in the psychiatric ward... I mean, who's to say she wasn't a hallucination?


	14. Chapter 14

When Sam became alert again he was moving. Marcus was pushing his hospital bed. The florescent hospital lights passed above him in rows. Sam had no idea when they'd started traveling down the hallway.

Come to think of it, he didn't know  _anything_  anymore.

Against his better judgement, Sam lifted his head, "Where are we going?" he asked, as though it made a difference.

"Got the procedure approved. I'm gonna help you." Marcus said.

Sam dropped his head against the pillow. For all he knew, this was another hallucination. Although, the vertigo he was feeling seemed pretty legitimate...

"Naaah, this is real." Lucifer said. He was walking beside Sam's bed.

"Shut up." Sam said.

"Just trying to help." Lucifer threw his hands out innocently.

Marcus moved the front of Sam's bed and pushed him through a door. Sam found himself in a well-lit, sterile-looking room with white walls and a weird switchboard on the side.

"Where—where are we?" Sam asked.

He was getting a bad feeling for some reason. Although, that reason might have been Lucifer, who was waving at him from the corner of the room.

"Electroshock-therapy." Marcus replied in a calm voice, "Let's get you settled. Don't freak. I've seen this help a lot of people."

Sam blinked in the bright lights and shook his head. He wasn't an expert in this subject, but it never went well in the movies. However, Marcus was a professional. He said the method had been approved. Surely that meant Marcus knew what he was doing.

Right?

And with the current state Sam was in, did they have a choice?

Marcus tightened the straps around Sam's wrists and ankles. Sam winced at the excess pressure.

"Bite down." Marcus instructed and placed a rubber utensil in Sam's mouth. The nurse was gagging him?

Marcus moved over to the strange switchboard and hit the red 'on' switch.

"Ordinarily they keep this thing set on low," Marcus said, "But I was thinking we could experiment a little."

Okay. There was  _no way_  this was legal. Or approved by a doctor.

Sam's protests were muffled by the gag.

"What do you say, Sam?" Marcus asked. As if Sam could reply.

"Yeah, Sam, what do you say?" Lucifer echoed from Marcus's shoulder. The devil looked like he was really enjoying this.

"Let's get that head strapped in." Marcus placed a wired device over Sam's head.

"Hm. Experimental therapy. Not sleep-deprivation. Not starvation. Not suicide." Lucifer shrugged, "It doesn't seem like too bad of a trade. I mean, if you have to pick a way to go out, at least make it interesting."

A sob caught in Sam's throat but his whimper was muffled by the gag.

"Oh, don't be getting sad _now_ , Sam, you wanted this, remember?" Lucifer said, "So you could be with  _me_."

Marcus finished adjusting the device over Sam's temples.

"You did sign the papers letting them do this." Lucifer said.

Sam was struck with a memory of the blue-eyed Doctor handing Sam a waiver, which he signed with no hesitation.

"You're right. It _is_  a little sketchy they let a  _mental_  patient make that call." Lucifer said. He tsked, "Too late now, though."

Lucifer cupped his chin and grinned with amusement.

Marcus studied the position of the electro-pads on Sam's head. He grinned and his eyes turned black.

_A demon!_

"Well that explains a lot." Lucifer remarked.

Sam struggled to no avail against the buckles on his wrists and ankles.

"Boy, I'm tempted to remove that gag just to hear you talk in Enochian again." Marcus said, "The other nurses didn't understand it, but I did. Lucifer teach you all that?"

Sam panted and continued his struggle against the bonds.

"It's not fair, you know?" Marcus said, "What Lucifer did to us. He was supposed to be _our_  God, our...father-figure, if you will. Then he's  _free_. Roaming the earth. Starting the  _apocalypse_. And he starts killing us." Marcus scoffed, "Personally, I like the new guy better. Didn't need to kill a demon to set him free. And demons should  _really_  be ruled by other demons if you know what I mean." Marcus chuckled, "Boy, there was a time all of Hell would've gone after me for saying that. But times have changed. Ol' Luci let us down. And for what? For  _you_?" Marcus scoffed and shook his head, "Why are you so important to Lucifer? After all, we're his children. What are you? Some vessel. Some meat-suit for him to walk around Earth in. I'll never understand it." Marcus walked over to the electroshock machine, "All I gotta say now is that I'm  _glad_  Lucifer is back inside the box. Because he would  _not_ like what I'm about to do to you."

 

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Sam was convulsing. Every tendon in his arms and exposed neck stood out. His veins felt like they were being pumped with liquid fire.

Above him, Lucifer smiled and watched. For some reason the devil was wearing Marcus's hospital scrubs.

"Boy, you just take those lickins' don't you?" Lucifer mused with a smile, "Well, any meat can be cooked. You just gotta turn up the heat." He went back to the electroshock machine.

_Lucifer, help me!_

_It hurts!_

But Sam didn't scream. Fire was being pumped through his veins but he didn't scream. He would die soon. He knew it. But he wouldn't give the devil the satisfaction of hearing his screams.

PAIN!

_Great black wings encircled him._

_"Shh." A gentle voiced whispered, in his ear, "It's ok. You're safe."_

PAIN!

_A giant black figure with red eyes and feathery wings was singing softly into his ear. The voice was pure, effortless, smooth as velvet, and so full of emotion it made Sam cry even though he didn't understand the words._

_"What does it mean?" Sam asked when the beautiful song ended._

_Lucifer looked at him with such fond devotion that it made Sam uncomfortable. Like he didn't deserve this._

_"You'd have to know Enochian to understand the full meaning." Lucifer answered._

_"Can you teach me?" Sam asked._

_Lucifer's eyes suddenly lit up with delight, "I'd love to."_

PAIN!

_Lucifer sang the song again, and the melody was so_   **beautiful** _, despite the angel's voice being_ **tight** _with pain. Sam threw himself against Lucifer's chest and focused on the song as he tried to ignore the agony of his own injuries inflicted by the Cage. And although Lucifer's grace hadn't finished repairing the broken angel, he began to heal Sam._

_Stop it! Sam wanted to cry, Heal yourself first!_

_But the cold grace brought such relief and comfort the protest died on Sam's lips._

PAIN!

_"Why don't you hate me?" Sam whispered into the angel's shoulder._

_"I couldn't," Lucifer replied, "Not when I waited so long for you. Not when I got to know you so well on Earth. It isn't your fault."_

_"I did this. I pulled us down here." Sam sobbed, "Aren't you angry?"_

_"No." Lucifer replied._

_"Why?" Sam asked._

_Lucifer chuckled softly, although Sam heard the repressed pain, "I was inside your grapefruit, remember? I saw everything you did and every reason that went through your head for why you did it. I couldn't hate you after that."_

PAIN!

_Sam was laying comfortably against Lucifer's chest. Lucifer was singing again. Sam's Enochian lessons had been going well and he could understand some of the words. It was the same, beautiful, melodious tune Sam had been hearing for some time. Sam listened. Then he gasped, tears coming to his eyes._

_"It's about me." Sam whispered._

_Lucifer kissed Sam's head._

_Sam shook his head, tears falling from his face, "I'm not worthy of that –" he protested._

_"You are." Lucifer replied._

PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!

_The two were yanked apart. Sam was forcefully torn from Lucifer's embrace by an iron hook that ripped through Lucifer's beautiful, feathery wings and pulled Sam out by the stomach._

_Sam screamed._

_Lucifer reached for Sam but a series of iron stakes tethered him to the wall like an elaborate pin cushion._

_Sam was dragged across broken glass and enveloped in burning hellfire._

_The flames were so hot. The agony so_ **intense** _. Sam wanted to end. To_ **die**.

_It wasn't possible to endure this pain but he did nonetheless._

_He wanted to cease existing..._

_Cold._

_Beautiful. Blissful cold._

_The fire subsided._

_"I'm sorry, Sam." Lucifer sobbed, his hands healing the burns on Sam's body, on his_ soul _, "I'm so sorry."_

_'You have nothing to be sorry for', Sam wanted to say, but his parched throat wouldn't allow it._

_"It took me so long. I'm sorry," Lucifer breathed in Enochian, "I thought I could protect you. I failed you. I'm sorry."_

PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!

_"Tell me the word for 'archangel'." Lucifer instructed in English._

_Sam panted through his pain. Lucifer was healing him again but the process was slow. The angel's grace was being used faster than it could replenish itself._

_Sam wracked his brain, "The word..." he said, and the Enochian language fell from his lips._

_"Wonderful Sam!" Lucifer exclaimed, "You learn quickly."_

_Sam smiled at the praise. He could tell the angel was tired, but that didn't deter Lucifer from his task. Finally, the pain was gone._

_"All better." Lucifer said softly._

_What he didn't say was 'for now'._

PAIN!

_"I'm_ **sorry** _." Lucifer apologized, pulling Sam against his chest and wrapping his seared, broken wings around them._

_"Don't be." Sam pleaded._

_"No matter how many times I find you, the Cage always pulls you_ **away**   _from me." Lucifer cried in despair._

_"Shh." Sam placed a finger to Lucifer's lips, "No. No matter how many times the Cage pulls us apart, you always_ **find me** _."_

_Lucifer laughed softly, "I always did like your perspective, kiddo."_

_Sam returned his smile, pulled Lucifer's head down, and kissed him._

PAIN!

_"I'm not worth all this." Sam finally said._

_It was harsh, but true. As much as Sam enjoyed the comfort he received, as much as Sam selfishly relished the cold that chased away the hellfire, it was true. And Lucifer deserved to know the truth._

_For the first time since their fall into the Cage, Lucifer looked angry, "_ **Never** _say that you are unworthy." He growled, "It_ _baffles_ _me how you can have such a_ **low** _opinion of yourself. You are worthy. You were just never given the appreciation you deserve."_

PAIN!

_"You're the only thing that keeps me together." A kiss was bestowed on Sam's forehead, "Thank you."_

_Sam hugged the angel, "You keep me together too."_

PAIN!

_"You're the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld," Lucifer murmured as he held Sam reverently in his arms, "And I was there when the universe was created."_

PAIN!

_Lucifer placed slow, deliberate kisses down Sam's torso._

_"So precious. So beautiful." He whispered._

_Sam closed his eyes and savored the sensation._

PAIN!

_Sam's soul was being held in Death's_  icy,ancient, long-fingered  _hands. But the cold wasn't_ pleasant _like Lucifer's. It was_ **final** _. Like the end_. _Like_ **death** _._

_"_ Sam,where are you _?!" the archangel's panicked cry rang through the Cage, "_ Sam? SAM?! _"_

_"Lucifer! I'm —"_

_Death's briefcase closed and Sam's words were cut short._


	16. Chapter 16

_Sam was consumed in a dark abyss._

_"LUCIFER!" he shouted, but his voice was swallowed by the void._

_Sam tried to scream again, but his voice was again consumed._

_It was_ **terrifying.**

_Sam had been terrified before. But not like_ **this.**

_He had been **terrified**  in the Cage because of the intense **agony**_ _he knew awaited him at any moment should Lucifer loose his protective grip around Sam's soul. He had been terrified on Earth when Dean had been dragged away by **hellhounds**. He had been terrified by the  **monsters**  he had seen and defeated._

_He had been terrified of **himself**  when he'd realized how far he had gone with Ruby._

_He'd been even **more** afraid when he realized he was  **Lucifer's**  vessel. That he wasn't pure and never would be. That he was ever tainted with poison._

_At that thought Sam could almost hear Lucifer scowl, "Why do you think you have to be_ perfect, _Sam? You're only human. You did the best you could. Why do you place such high esteem on being_ **pure** _, on being_ **good** ,  _on being_ **clean** _? You're not_ supposed _to be perfect. You're_ **supposed** _to be_   **exactly** _as you are. As astounding, beautiful, and brave as you already are. As you always have been. As you always will be. You don't need to change a single thing."_

_Sam might've cried had his tears not been consumed by the darkness around him._

**This** _was a different kind of fear. It was a fear of the unknown. The undefined._

_It was a fear of a vast, unending darkness. Of everlasting nothingness._

_Of separation from his angel._

_"Lucifer, where are you?" Sam sobbed._

_Above him, Sam heard the sound of latches being undone._

_Light suddenly flooded his surroundings. Sam squinted._

_"Sorry," Death said, "It's a bit roomy in there. Especially for one soul."_

_Death's cold hands reached inside his briefcase and pulled Sam's soul out. Sam was looking into the face of Death's vessel, which appeared_  much bigger  _than he remembered –although, Sam recalled Lucifer had mentioned something about human souls being small._

_"Am I dead?" Sam asked._

_Death scoffed, "Does that even have a meaning for you anymore?  What with all the ways we have already met? No, Sam. You are not dead."_

_"Where's Lucifer?" Sam asked._

_"Lucifer is still inside the Cage." Death replied._

_Those words stung a little, although Sam doubted Death meant for them to._

_"Where am I now?" Sam asked._

_"We are about to arrive on Earth. Dean and I made a deal to get your soul out of the Cage." Death answered, "You will be returned to your body soon."_

_"Dean!" Sam exclaimed._

_It had been_ so long _since Sam had seen his brother. He had missed Dean terribly. He'd also been afraid of forgetting his brother while in the Cage, so Lucifer had him recount his memories over and over so that wouldn't happen. Doing so had made Sam feel better._

_"Lucifer." Sam said suddenly, "We have to go back for him."_

_Death looked surprised. "That wasn't part of the deal, Sam."_

_"You can't just leave him in there!" Sam exclaimed._

_Death raised a skeptical eyebrow, "I did for several millennia. I owe Lucifer nothing."_

_"Look –" Sam fumbled for the words, "You just don't understand him. He's not as bad as people think."_

_"Lucifer is immature and apathetic." Death replied with a scowl, "He and I were not on the best of terms after his little tantrum –his attempt at the apocalypse."_

_"Not to me!" Sam exclaimed, "You don't understand him at all! Look, if you're worried about him using you for another apocalypse, I can talk him out of it. I promise."_

_Death shook his head, "That wasn't part of mine and Dean's deal." Death lifted a bony finger, "Our deal was to take one, and only one out of the Cage."_

_"But he's all alone." Sam said._

_"I'm sorry, Sam. There's really nothing I can do." Death said, "I'm bound by my end of the bargain."_

_"So I get to go free," Sam murmured, "But Lucifer is still locked up."_

_Locked up and_ **alone.** _Lucifer hated being alone._

_"You suffered terrible things in the Cage, Sam." Death said, "I would be doing Dean no favors if I returned your soul as it is. I am going to put a wall inside your head to protect you from what happened. Don't. Scratch. At it."_

_"A wall. Like. A barrier?" Sam asked._

_Death nodded._

_"Between me and what happened? So I don't remember?" Sam prodded._

_"Correct." Death replied._

_"Maybe I don't wanna forget." Sam whispered._

_"It is necessary. In order for you to return to your life on Earth, Sam." Death replied, then added sternly, "Don't. Scratch."_


	17. Chapter 17

It took Sam a moment to remember where he was.

The intensity of the flashbacks were still haunting him.

_Death's cold hands, Lucifer's panicked scream of, "SAM? WHERE ARE YOU?!"_

_Being shoved painfully back into his body. Seeing Dean's face. His joy of being reunited with his brother and best friend._

_The weeks of drama that defined life as a Winchester. The world being pulled into chaos once again...all the while with Sam feeling that something was missing, although he wouldn't admit to it._

_Castiel breaking his wall..._

_Hearing Lucifer's voice once again, although it was all_ wrong _._

_Wrong, not because it was the voice that had tormented Sam for years in the Cage._

_But wrong because it was malicious and hateful._

_Lucifer had never spoken to him with malice. Lucifer had never hated him._

_Sam hated_ himself _._

The white hospital room came into focus. It was oddly quiet.

Sam realized then that the pain had stopped. He was no longer going through intense, illegal, electroshock therapy. Yes, he was still tied down to the hospital bed. Yes, his arms and legs felt like they were full of pins and needles. But the electrical fire wasn't being forced through his veins anymore.

Why had Marcus stopped? The jealous demon had made it clear he wanted to turn Sam's brain into mush.

Come to think of it, Marcus wasn't anywhere in sight. Where had the demon gone?

Lucifer was standing in front of him wearing doctor scrubs and a headlight.

"Did you enjoy your vacation, bunk buddie? Have a lot of revelations?" Lucifer asked.

"Y-you're not real." Sam said. He realized his mouth gag had been removed.

"Really bites, doesn't it?" Lucifer said.

"You're not real. B-because Lucifer doesn't hate me." Sam stuttered.

"Never said I hated you. I just said you deserve what you're getting." Lucifer replied, "I think we can both agree on that."

"Am I still in the hospital?" Sam asked.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Lucifer grinned, "You're treatment isn't over, though."

"You're not real." Sam breathed, "You're not real, because Lucifer wouldn't hurt me."

"You sure about that?" Lucifer asked.

" _Yes_." Sam growled through his teeth, "I'm  _positive_."

Lucifer sighed, "I won't do anything you don't want me to do. Though, granted, that doesn't limit me very much."

"Just leave me alone."

"Aw, but Sam, you don't _want_  me to go. Not really."

"I don't want  _you_." Sam said.

Lucifer clicked his tongue, "Too bad. I'm the best you've got."

* * * *

Dean breathed out in exasperation, "What do you _mean_  you can't fix him?!"

"I mean there's nothing left to rebuild." Castiel replied quietly, "The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever's happening inside his head right now."

The blood-stained angel and despairing human eyed Sam. He hadn't replied to any of their words, and he hadn't responded to Cas's attempt at rebuilding his wall. Sam just stared across the room blankly, probably at a hallucination only he could see. It broke Dean's heart.

"We've gotta do something." Dean said, his voice breaking a bit, "We didn't break in here and kill all those demons just to—to _leave_  him in here."

* * * *

"I see the third pig was smart. He built a house out of bricks." Lucifer remarked.

Sam stared past Lucifer. So this was the next torture. Being read a children's book.

"Let's see." Lucifer remarked as he turned the page, "The wolf couldn't blow his house down so he decided to climb down through the chimney. Smart. But the three little pigs but a pot of boiling water underneath him and cooked him alive. Ick. Do you think they ate him afterwards?"

Sam shut his eyes.

"Story time not amusing enough for ya, Sam?" Lucifer asked. He shut the book, "Maybe we should spoon. It'll be like old times, huh? You and me? Cuddling?"

Lucifer leaned over him. Sam gulped.

"Isn't that what you want Sam? For me to hold you and tell you everything is gonna be alright and I forgive you for leaving me down there? That I wish you a happy, healthy, life? You want a Hallmark moment?"

Sam leaned further into his bed. He wanted that more than anything, but he didn't trust this Lucifer.

"'Cause you don't deserve that, Sammy. You don't get a Hallmark moment." Lucifer went on.

There it was. This Lucifer wouldn't do anything to comfort him.

Sam began shaking. He had no idea what this creature would do next.

"I can't rebuild the wall inside you head, Sam. You helped me tear it down." Lucifer said. He gently brushed the hair out of Sam's eyes, "You wanted us to be together so badly you helped me yank the pieces apart so you'd remember me and maybe not feel so empty inside."

Lucifer sighed, "You always  _were_ so self-destructive, Sam. So self-destructive, self-deprecating, self- _loathing_..." Lucifer tsked, "Lucifer wouldn't like that. He put you on pedestal and built you up. He loved you. "

Sam took a deep breath and told himself he would _not_  cry.

"He'd hate to see you in the state you're in. If he knew." The hallucination said, tracing Sam's jaw with his fingertips.

"Now Sam. This may hurt." Lucifer said and Sam flinched, "And if I can't tell you again –I'm sorry I ever did this to you."

Lucifer placed his palm against Sam's forehead.

"GAHHH!" Sam cried.

Power surged from Lucifer's hand and Sam felt like his body was on fire.

Memories were pulled up again.

Lucifer's face.

The cruel hallucination.

The Cage.

All of it being pulled to the surface at once. Sam relived it all.

Then it started going away.

_"No!"_  Sam cried somewhere in his mind,  _"I don't want to forget! Lucifer, I_ need _you!"_

_"No you don't, Sam." Lucifer said. He looked like Nick instead of the red-eyed creature that had protected Sam in Hell. However, his eyes still held the same kindness that Sam had missed so badly._

_"Lucifer!" Sam exclaimed._

_"Hey, kiddo." Lucifer said with a smile._

_Sam flung himself into Lucifer's arms and Lucifer held him._

_"Where are we?" Sam asked into Lucifer's shoulder._

_The environment was white, and strings of what looked like distorted ribbons of film were being sucked into the horizon._

_"Inside your head." Lucifer replied._

_"So it's not real." Sam answered disappointedly._

_"I'd say what's happening inside your head is real enough, Sam." Lucifer replied._

_"What's happening?" Sam asked._

_"You're forgetting." Lucifer answered simply._

_"I don't wanna forget you." Sam protested._

_"Sam."_

_Sam looked up at Lucifer's kind, blue eyes._

_"I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy."_

_Sam shook his head._

_"Sam!" Lucifer protested._

_"You're not even real." Sam replied._

_"But you_ know _, me. " Lucifer lifted Sam's hands and placed them over his heart, "You_ know _I would want whatever is best for you. And you know I love you. Always."_

_"I can't let you go." Sam said._

_"You have to." Lucifer replied, "If you're gonna function on Earth, you have to let me go. You have to stop looking for me."_

_"It doesn't seem right!" Sam protested, "Not after all you did for me."_

_Lucifer gently stroked Sam's hair, "Life's not fair, kiddo." The archangel replied, "It's time you stopped blaming yourself for that."_

_Sam hugged Lucifer tighter, "I miss you."_

_Lucifer kissed the top of his head, "I miss you too. But it's time to let me go."_

_"I feel like I'm not whole without you." Sam whispered._

_Lucifer pecked the top of his head, "You're whole, Sam. Yes, you were created for me. We're like two parts of the same puzzle. But that doesn't mean you're less of a complete piece on your own. You'll survive."_

_"I love you." Sam said._

_"I love you, too." Lucifer replied, "More than you will ever know."_

_Sam pulled Lucifer into a deep kiss, which Lucifer returned._

_Even as they held each other Sam could feel Lucifer become less solid..._

_The lips that pressed into Sam's suddenly held less pressure._

_Then the stubble on Lucifer's face wasn't scratching him anymore. And the hands on his back weren't holding him..._

_Lucifer was slipping away, until Sam didn't see or feel him anymore..._

_..._

_See or feel whom?_

_Sam blinked._

_He felt sad for some reason, but he couldn't figure out why._

_It almost seemed like he was missing something. Like he'd forgotten about something but couldn't remember what it was._

_Or maybe he didn't feel that way at all._

_Maybe there wasn't any reason_ to  _feel that way._

_* * * *_

Castiel's hand pressed against Sam's forehead. Red veins of power ran up his arm, his neck, his face, his eyes. Then it stopped and Sam gasped.

       


	18. Chapter 18

 

Sam blinked, "Castiel? Is that you?"

Sam was almost in _tears_ at seeing a miraculously alive Castiel. After all, the last time Sam had seen Cas the angel had disappeared into a river. Presumably dead.

Then, Castiel backed away from Sam, seemingly in terror. His eyes were wide, and he appeared not to be looking at Sam, but at something standing  _behind_  Sam.

Sam glanced behind him, but he only saw what looked like the headboard of a hospital bed. Sam realized he was wearing hospital pjs and they were in a brightly lit room with a strange machine in the corner.

There was also a dead guy on the floor. He was a nurse and his eyes had been burned out. His nametag read:  **Marcus.**

Confused, Sam asked Dean what was going on, followed with "and where _are_ we?"

Dean gave him the recap.

Sam had been having some _intense_  hallucinations about the Cage and Lucifer. Hallucinations so bad Sam had a psychotic breakdown (yikes!) and Sam had been in the locked psych ward ever since.

Apparently, the last thing Cas had said was he would "shift" what happened to Sam, meaning he would put whatever happened to Sam onto himself instead, and that things were "better this way".

Something about that made Sam incredibly uncomfortable, and he wasn't sure why. The circumstances almost felt familiar, although Sam couldn't place the reason.

The thought of Cas seeing his hallucinations also made Sam feel embarrassed, although he didn't exactly know why that was either. Other than someone seeing the same stuff you saw in Hell had to be awful.

Yeah. That was it.

Sam didn't remember the Cage. He remembered  _remembering_  the Cage. He remembered seeing a flash of hooks and nails. He remembered hearing Lucifer laugh. He recalled not getting enough sleep. Having trouble eating...

He didn't remember being checked into a mental ward. That part was all blacked out.

Castiel had definitely taken the blunt of Sam's damage.

Sam remembered being scared, although the memories of hallucinating didn't make him feel afraid now. Actually, he only felt numb when he recalled them. Which, Sam supposed, was preferable.

After all, who wanted to remember being tortured by _Lucifer_?

Sam and Dean marched out of the hospital, towards the Impala.

"We can't just leave him there!" Sam protested, "Cas is our friend!"

"Right now there's no better place  _for_  him." Dean replied, "Every angel and demon thinks he's dead. This is the safest place for him to  _be_."

"I don't like it." Sam said.

"Have a better idea?" Dean asked.

Sam sighed, "No. But...he's in there because of me."

Something about that statement gave Sam a strange sense of déjà vu.

Dean sighed, "Look, I know you don't remember a lot of what happened, but Cas  _broke_  your wall. He's the reason you started going crazy in the first place. I  _know_  Cas was misguided when he made that decision, but he still  _did_  it. And now he wants to make things right. You were gonna die otherwise."

"I remember Cas breaking my wall, Dean." Sam said as he massaged his forehead, "It's my time in ward that's blacked out. I just...I don't like leaving him alone."

Again, that strange déjà vu.

"He wouldn't know us if we walked in." Dean said, a deep emotion crossing his face.

Sam swallowed and nodded.

Dean opened the Impala door, "Right now you're sane and functioning. That's what we need. Cas...he's an angel. He'll be ok."

"But let me guess. The world is still going to shit." Sam said.

"That hasn't changed." Dean agreed, "We've gotta hit the road."

Sam got inside and shut the door. The Impala roared away, leaving  Sam's hallucinations and Castiel behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that sums it up, guys. I had the whole thing already written so posting the last few chapters was easy, although I'm sorry the updates have been irregular. I did write a shot epilogue but I didn't feel like it contributed much to the plot, as it was just Sam dismissing more deja vu moments.  
> Kudos are shiny, but comments are candy! I hope you guys enjoyed this. :)   
> Thanks for reading!


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